In a “too absurd to be fiction” story, the East Bay Express brings word of some freaky shit going down at the UC Berkeley gyms.

On July 17, an honor-roll undergrad contacted university police after participating in what he suspected was a bogus fitness survey. The student was approached by a man who identified himself as “David Brown” and claimed to be doing research… “Brown” then took the student to a private room at Hearst Gym, for which he had a key (unwittingly given him by a student employee), and had the young man get undressed. During the “survey,” Simmonds touched the student’s groin area, according to a search warrant affidavit.

Police then asked Hearst Gym employees to be on the lookout for the fake fitness-surveyor. A few days later, a worker spotted Simmonds, and Cal cops detained him. Soon, the man was confessing to having pulled the scam on hundreds of victims over the past twelve years, and thirty within the last month, according to the warrant.

Simmonds told police he targeted Asian males around campus. After he brought them to a private room, he would allegedly have them disrobe, stand on a chair, and tilt their heads back with eyes closed. He would then feel up the guys and get himself off by rubbing up against the back of the chair, supposedly without his subjects noticing, the warrant says.

Looking for victims, Cal cops later called several numbers on Simmonds’ cell phone. Seven of the first eight who provided statements identified him in a photo lineup and said he had taken them to empty rooms, not only at Hearst Gym, but also the Recreational Sports Facility, the Cesar Chavez Student Center, San Francisco State, and — what the? — Alta Bates hospital. But the story gets even weirder…

Cal police arrested Simmonds back in July, but the district attorney cut him loose pending further investigation to identify additional victims…

Head’s up to students: don’t participate in shady model shoots by yourself. Head’s up to the university: if students are going to pay mandatory student fees for a gym, how about a little security?